Story Archive - September 2005

Serenity (09/30/2005)

Attention crew. We'll be experiencing some slight turbulence and then, uh, explode. - Malcom (Serenity)

Opening night for Serenity and I'm there! At the time the Firefly series was on TV there were four competing space science fiction shows and I was diligently watching all of them out of obligation. They are all dead now. Firefly was far and above the best of the shows, and was sadly the first to be cancelled. It was followed by Andromeda, which had huge swings in the quality of shows and story arcs. Then came Starhunter, a little-watched show found at obscure hours that I got a serious kick out of. Finally was Star Trek: Enterprise, a show that should never have existed. My they all rest in peace. Clearly there is room out there for a new space SciFi.

We arrived at six in the evening for the eight-thirty show time and I saw my group already in line. I was ready mock them for being second in line when I discovered the first person in line was also with them. They setup a laptop with external speakers, threw out a picnic blanket and watched the Firefly pilot on DVD. The guy at the head of the line was too busy making a third edition D&D character to watch.

I took pictures like I usually do. I took a few more. Then, I'm just hanging out and Random Woman Behind Us in Line starts talking.

RWBUL: Could you not do that.

Jordan: ...

RWBUL: I couldn't figure out who was doing it, and then I was like, it's you.

Jordan: ...

RWBUL: Could you at least tell me before you do it again. Some people don't like being in the background of other people's pictures.

Jordan: Ohhh, sorry.

My gut reaction on this type of thing is to apologize. A few moments later I realize the bizarreness of the request and for the rest of the evening we made varies jokes at RWBUL's expense. Clearly, if she doesn't want to be in stranger's pictures, she shouldn't be out in public or be anywhere that can be photographed from a public setting. I suppose she is probably a felon on the run from the feds and worried that my picture will appear some public website that cause her capture. So here it is:

The Serenity movie was a decent long episode of Firefly. Joss clearly isn't looking to continue the series. It's over. It's sad. In one of the last scenes, Malcom had a hyphema in one of his eyes. I've had one of those. I love Buffy to death, and I want to see a new Joss-based series back on TV.

Jury Duty (09/28/2005)

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. - Norm Crosby

It's frustrating to be called for jury duty in Alameda County when I don't live in Alameda County any more. I could have cancel the duty if I had provided proof that I live in a different county. The form asks you to provide a driver's license (I lost mine in July and have been very lazy) or a copy of a utility bill (all in my roommate's name). So I was unable to verify my new address by mail. I woke up at 6am and drove to my old stomping ground in San Leandro to leave my car at BART and head into Oakland to the courthouse.

I walked up to the administrator and had a wonderful two-minute conversation.

Jordan: "What do I do if I no longer live in this county."

Carol: "Well, we need a copy of your driver's license or utility bill."

Jordan: "My driver's license still has my old address and my utility bill is in my roommate's name."

Carol: "Well, we can check records. Is your address updated at the DMV or for voter registration."

Jordan: "Sure, it was updated there eight months ago. The summons was even sent to my out-of-county address."

Carol: "Well, it sure is darling! That's what we call government work at its finest. You're cleared. Go home."

I get to the office by 9:30am beating a large portion of the employees.

Battlestar Gabe (09/25/2005)

The Wedding March always reminds me of the music played when soldiers go into battle. - Heinrich Heine

When I go to weddings I keep notes on the cool and horrible things that occur. I'm keep them in my metaphorical back pocket to bring up when I get to work planning my own.

The setting was in a family vineyard in Lodi. The setting was lovely. I only kind-of know the bride. She is a good friend of one of my very good friend's wives. I did ask the two of them when I got the invite, "am I actually suppose to come or is this purely polite? She'll get a present from me either way." The response I got was, "well, she knows that all of our friends are awesome. So she invited all of them because she is cool like that." Okay then.

One of the friends there had a bird drop a gift from the tree on her. I hear that's good luck. Margarette was brought to the ceremony on a horse-drawn carriage pulled by miniature ponies. The ability to say, "I was brought to my wedding on a horse-drawn carriage" makes up for the cheesiness of the actual event. Five minutes of silliness followed up by a lifetime of good stories is a fine trade.

After the ceremony, the tables at the reception had a paper spread over them and everyone had a box of crayons. Honestly, this is one of the most brilliant things I have ever seen. It allows everyone at the table spend a while being creative and it gives the couple a great memento of everyone at the wedding.

Our table won the drawing contest. The table was brilliantly geektastic. There was a Battlestar, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, Tardis, Castle Greyskull, Gelatinous Cube, MC Hammer and so much more.

There was some dancing. I didn't have a repeat of the champagne-inspired barefoot fiasco of my father's wedding, but it was simple fun. When "Joy to the World" came online, it was hard to not to sign a little karaoke, "Jeremaih was a bullfrog..." The Hokey-Pokey was cute, but the Shonen Knife cover would have been a bigger hit with a lot of the audience.

Best thing: table drawing. Worst thing: best man ill-prepared for speech.

Herbie Jr. (09/23/2005)

The robot is going to lose. Not by much. But when the final score is tallied, flesh and blood is going to beat the damn monster. - Adam Smith

I am no less a huge supporter of iRobot. Herbie died on me a couple months ago and has spent his recent days pining for the fjords. We followed all of the troubleshooting instructions in the guide. Nothing worked. The customer service hours are horrible for iRobot. After a month I gave up the hope that I would be around during the customer service hours with my Roomba accessible and wrote them an e-mail. They responded with a "please call our customer service line." Last Saturday I tried to call, and ended up on hold for fifteen minutes before giving up. Taking advantage of my "work from home and wake up at noon" Friday, I gave them a call.

After twenty minutes on hold I did eventually get through. The customer support agent was very helpful. After I had explained that I had run through the entire troubleshooting guide (it took five minutes) she said they would ship me a brand new iRobot and that I could keep the old one for parts. So I sent in the return number and now I sit back and wait.

Drunk Tank (09/23/2005)

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on. - Joe E. Lewis

My work group went on a trip to the city for a work social. Normally I drink at home like a civilized person, but for a business function I'm ready to get a little crazy and go to the city.

We park right on the Embarcadero in a "must move car by 6am" zone. I'm not the one driving, so it sounds like a decent enough idea. We head into a very nice sushi restaurant. First things first, we order beers and sake. Brander tries to order some unfiltered sake and our waitress gave him a look like, "well, we could mix in some dishwater if it would make you feel better." Shunned, we order randomly off the menu and go for Oka Dewazakura. Later research has lead me to believe we made a superb choice in sake.

A few billion rounds of sushi, beer and sake later and we are all doing superb. Griping about work is allowed. Saying anything productive earns you a shot of chilled Grey Goose. Our waitress is cute and she keeps pouring about 175% of what a shot really should be so the work talk is costly.

The bill is heading our way so we place guesses on the total. Person farthest away takes one last shot. Two guesses come in with Brander at $310 and Yellow at $320. I quickly jump in with $315 knowing I'm completely safe. Brander argues that I'm guaranteed to lose with that guess and I should switch to $300. This is of course complete crap, but I'm convinced and make the change. The bill comes in at around $360 and I'm way off. We change the rules to person closest gets to pick who drinks. That means Double Damage wins and he sees that I've been duped and says, "okay, person who gets farthest from the square of 360 (yeah, 360 x 360) has to drink." It's not me this time. My math degree is worth something. Yellow loses and that puts him at way more shots than the rest of us.

Yellow dares someone to hug the waitress. Brander makes a valiant effort but is deflected. We're out the door and in a cab for North Beach. Our fearless leader Yellow, who has spent many nights partying on the streets of SF is ready to talk serious trash with people. He's not going to actually take a swing at anyone, but the strangers he's talking to don't realize it. "Cabby! You are taking us the wrong way. You're fraking with us Cabby. This is not the way to North Beach." The night is early and this cabby is good natured.

We're at the first bar. I don't have the best memory of the events in all the bars. I know that someone orders me "the girliest drink you have." It's a tradition, and not one I really needed to have follow me from two companies ago. Some women at the bar start laughing and talking with us. "What's wrong with girlie drinks?" "Nothing." They are hitting us. Who wouldn't? We're four cute guys on the town. Instead of salt, the bartender says my drink should have sugar around the edge. "I would love a sugar rim job."

Brander goes into the bathroom to purge. He has lost his savings throw against nausea (yeah, I said it). The rest of us order a shot of Fernet. This is a drink that is somewhat unique to the SF area, but quite a treat. Brander returns from the bathroom. He couldn't purge because there were other people. He got shy. So we head out.

Yellow leans on a car and starts talking to two rather large gentlemen. "How y'all doing?" "Is that your car?" "No." "You shouldn't be leaning on other people's cars." "Is it your car?" "Doesn't matter, you shouldn't be leaning on it if it isn't yours." "Dude, I'm not hurting the car." "You don't disrespect another guy's car."

Yellow steps off the car and asks us, "if I'm in a fight, will you guys help me?" Brander says, "I got your back." I respond with, "if you get in a fight, I am so running away like a coward. The most help I will be to you is about a block away calling 911." Another few bars later Brander realizes something, "I should have thrown up."

A phone call comes in to Yellow to meet some girls downtown. We jump in a cab. He's giving the cab driver directions, but not happy about the driving. "You're messing with us. Turn left. TURN LEFT. I will punch you in the face if you don't turn left." The cab pulls over to the side of the road, "get out of the cab now." "I'm just joking with you. Keep driving." He is joking, and anyone who knows him can tell. The cab driver does not, "get out of the cab now." I apologize and pay. "Don't apologize!"

We're lost. Yellow won't tell us where we going but we keep walking in circles. Finally Double Damage takes Yellows phone and calls back to the girls. He leads us to the bar. The girl comes out and Yellow molests the poor thing. I tried to casually lean against a pole, but miss. The message from the girl the next day goes something like, "Thanks for the bite marks loser. While you were mauling me I looked over and Jordan just sort of fell over the alley."

It's only 11:30pm, but everyone gets in a cab and we go respectively back to home or public transportation. I get to Caltrain and have to take the last train at 12:00am. I get back to the Belmont station at 12:40am. I curl in up in the trunk of my car and sleep for a few hours. Then I drive home and sleep until noon the next day.

A Holly Jolly Zweibelmas (09/21/2005)

No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn. - Hal Borland

Today, September 21st, is Zweibelmas for those of you keeping track. I had a grand Zweibelmas celebration complete with cookies and cupcakes. Today was sunny. It rained yesterday.

Over the weekend my rain sense went off and I started packing up the outdoor furniture but didn't complete. I was distracted away with other important tasks like sleeping. So while one chair was put away and the BBQ was covered, but two chairs got drenched. There are some places out there in the world where the rain doesn't make me shiver. A few years ago I was in Maui when a hurricane swept through. It was more of a tropical drizzle by the time it hit, but I went into the back yard and enjoyed the light sprinkle in the eighty-degree weather. The owner of the complex we were staying came out in her nightgown barefoot and danced on the lawn with me. "This is what Hawaiians do when it rains; we dance in it!"

Two years in a row growing up, the first rain of the year happened on my birthday party. I remember being stuck inside King Arthur's Castle at Fairy-tale Town with a bunch of very upset children.

Resize (09/17/2005)

A note to all you website developers. If you make my browser window resize when I visit your site I will visit your home and kill you. I think most people at the very least get really irritated when you resize their window. STOP IT. Thank you.

If you use Internet Explorer and want to see a neat trick, try selecting text from my web page across the entry header. Watch in amazement as IE crashes. All glory to IE.

Change the Dresscode and Win! (09/16/2005)

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain

At my first big boy job, the office went from business formal to business casual to true casual back to business casual during my employment. When I started I enjoyed wearing a collared shirt and tie. In the middle I enjoyed wearing t-shirts to the office during that time, but I have never worn shorts to work. It seems gauche to me. For shoes, I usually wore my combat boots since almost pass for dress shoes if people don't look too closely at them. I had these great brown deck shoes I wore a lot as well, but they killed my feet. Even when I put insoles in them, the support just wasn't there. After wearing them for around a week, I would curl my feet at night and the arch muscle would just spasm and the foot would curl uncontrollably and hurt. I got rid of those shoes.

The job previous to my current one I dressed nicely. I dressed too nicely. With a team of three full times and two contractors working under my benevolent power, I was inspired to look professional. I wore slacks and collared shirt every day. On Fridays it was a Hawaiian shirt, but that still has collar.

At my newest job, things have gotten more casual than I have ever been. Enough of my coworkers wear shorts and sandals to work every day that I finally gave in. The first day I wore sandals I had on purple toe nail polish. Now I wear sandals all the time and my feet seem happier for it.

This past week I was meeting with vendors and customers nearly every day and had to revert to my old more formal ways. I don't know why the business world works that way. Can't we all just be comfortable? It would be a happier place and I think everyone would appreciate it. I know I would like to see your Animaniacs concert tour shirt next time we have a business meeting.

If Chins Could Kill (09/11/2005)

Your stupidity is terminal and now you're cured. - Dr. Ivan Hood (Alien Apocalypse)

It was a girl's weekend. So I got a pedicure and headed to LA for shopping! Well, that's what the girls did.

I did the guys version. I stayed up all Friday night playing video games with my roommate and on Saturday drove up to Timmy's and watched the Bruce Campbell movie marathon on the SciFi channel. It had the standard Amy of Darkness and the premier of the new movie he wrote, directed and starred in, Man with the Screaming Brain, but the real gems were the SciFi original stupid alien movies he has starred in over the years.

One of the ways that I like to rank bad movies is to decide if I would watch them at 2am on cable. Good movies are easy to spot. They are the type of movie you might buy or at least rent at the video. Bad movies are sometimes harder to rank. Yet, there are times when I find a bad movie would outrank a good one on one important test. For example, I remember seeing Fever Pitch and thinking that was a great movie, but I wouldn't watch it again. On the other hand, Constantine was horrible movie, but I would completely watch that movie again at 2am some weekend. So, in the long run of things, I would have to say that Constantine in all it's horrible glory out ranks Fever Pitch.

So while Man with the Screaming Brain was okay, I wouldn't watch it again. But Alien Apocalypse, which was a horrible movie starring Bruce Campbell and Renne O'Connor was incredibly enjoyable. Full or horrible computer generated praying mantis creatures that enslaved humanity and ate the heads of living humans as a delicacy, this movie is something I will enjoy seeing time and time again during an insomnia inspired night.

Bruce, you keeping making your B movies and I will keep watching them.

Buck's Lake (09/05/2005)

But there's booze in the blender and soon it will render that frozen concoction that helps me hang on. Wastin' away again in Margaritaville. - Jimmy Buffett (Margaritaville)

Labor day weekend I went to Buck's Lake with my father's half of the family. With familial issues going on, we weren't sure if we were still having the trip, but the thumbs up came through and we went.

The trip was inspired because I have an aunt and uncle who recently retired to the town of Quincy near the lake. Before retirement, they were down in Riverside. I'm not sure I would ever be ready to retire hours away from a city. I'll probably never live in a downtown city again by choice (months in Denver or New York or D.C. soured me from the city life), but I'm happy in big sprawling suburbs with a nearby city that is easily accessible by public transportation. One of my uncle's retirement conditions was that he didn't want to do yard work and now he is on a big plot of land in the middle of the woods. Clearing brush isn't yard work, it's forest management.

Buck's Lake is far away from technology. We didn't have mobile phone coverage. Some people think it's wonderful to be away from all of it. I've got mixed emotions. I would rather be in phone range and then just turn off my mobile phone.

Saturday morning I got bright and early and drove over to pick up the hot girl I'm dating. It was the first time she was going to meet the family. I know that stuff can be a bit overwhelming, especially when a large enough portion of the clan is around. The ride up we listened to a bunch of musicals: Cabaret, Chess, Rent and Camelot. We took a small accidental detour and stopped along side some river for a simple picnic lunch. One last calm before the storm.

We show up, do some introductions, and get down to the lake. The water is freezing. It's high altitude and late in the season. On top of that, my uncle packs the boat well over capacity. So when I jump in without a wetsuit and he starts going the boat takes hours to get me out of the water. It's rough. I fight behind the boat for a while, but when waves are crashing, I just don't have the will to fight through it. I can feel my knee already telling me I'm pushing things.

That night, back at the lodge there is karaoke. My father has never done it before, but it's a good fit for him. You drink a little and you can have your fun. I'd have to say that Margaritaville is a pretty good signature song for him, though Friends in Low Places comes in at a strong second.

Sunday morning, around 6am, I hear the sound of crickets and a babbling brook coming from the bed across for me. One of the cousins has white noise alarm clock. Clearly though, the white noise isn't enough to wake him up. Being a light sleeper, I'm awake in seconds. I spend a while debating how to turn off the alarm he's clutching in his arms without waking him, but realize it's futile. I struggle to go back to sleep thinking that since I sleep at home with window open and crickets chirping, it shouldn't be that hard. Eventually, around 6:10am, his alarm gets mad at him and starts beeping. It wakes him enough he shuts it off. I give him a pretty hard time about it throughout the day. "I'm tired William. I wonder why that is."

First Gumdrop and I go out on one of the wave runners. It's fun, but it's cold. There's a burning desire to avoid getting splashed as much as possible, and that doesn't make for too much motorized fun. After a bit we call it quits and go back in.

Gumdrop has never been towed behind a boat for fun, so I put her out on the kneeboard. She is one of the most natural stomach surfers I've seen, but she doesn't quite jump up to the knees. We pull her out of the water before the frostbite kicks in. Buck's lake is not a pleasant place for beginners. I'm sad the season is nearly over. There aren't many warm days left.

Back again to karaoke on Sunday evening. There's a lot of dancing along with the singing. Sunday we stay at the bar until closing.

I drive home Monday and collapsed. Back to work I guess.

Work, School and Friends (09/03/2005)

I want to focus on things that are important. - Scott Caan

Labor day weekend was a much-needed escape from work. There was a family emergency that occurred on Monday of the week preceding. I was about ready to drop everything going on with the projects and head back to be with the family. Most of the time, that decision would have been easy, but there were fires burning at the office as well. It was one of the harder work-vs-personal life choices I've made.

In the past couple years, whenever it has come to family or friends, work can wait. It's almost always the right choice. I've had plenty of jobs in my life, but only one family. This time I let the job take precedent. It was a gamble that the personal stuff wouldn't require my attention.

In hindsight, the bet worked out. Still, if things had gone the other way, if I had lost the gamble, it would have hurt pretty badly. So I'm still fumbling through that choice, running the replays, trying decided if I'd do it the same way again. Probably not. It's good to know.

I carry this vision of the Chinese juggler spinning the plates on the end of long poles. It's a vision of how life goes. All these important plates and you have to keep running around speeding them up trying to keep them from hitting the floor. If one has to fall, which one is it going to be? In college, I remember clearly saying that my priorities in order were: school, work then friends. Great, isn't it? Screwed up? Perhaps. I guess I figured the good friends, the ones worth keeping, wouldn't get in the way of me being successfully at school and work.

My priorities have changed over the course of the last year or so. Work looks less and less fun, and retirement all the better. I've always had this nagging desire to go back to school too. I have this back-to-school plan that's been sitting on the drawing board for a while. During one of the late nights at work, I got inspired enough to take a baby step towards it. Baby steps. There are other important plates spinning right now that trump even work and school.

Blurry Week (09/02/2005)

When you reach the point when the Dilbert cartoons seem exactly to capture your daily experience in corporate life, it is time to move. - Dave Wilson

I don't think I slept this week. I was up early nearly every morning. I had meetings all day long, tons of research, and then I was up all night talking with my coworkers around the world. Every day, all I could do was keep thinking about getting to the weekend. This weekend is a glorious three day escape to a place without even cell phone coverage!

Tonight, I am at home relaxing alone. I pulled up my RSSes. I have the daily Dilbert in my list and it is a pretty good indicator of how busy I am. For instance, I see that I have six unread comics. That means six days have passed since I have found enough free time to slack off either at work or at home. That's just depressing.

If I were younger I would be out with my girl at one of her relative's birthday parties, but I'll be up at 6am tomorrow and I plan to be sound asleep by 10pm tonight. I remember the days when I was stupider about getting enough sleep, and I miss them now. The pain fades faster than the glory and I remember how much I could cram into a weekend. Still, I have a very proud record of never coming anywhere close to falling asleep at the wheel. I plan to keep it.