Story Archive - May 2005

Tchotchke (05/17/2005)

I have twelve shirts from the company where I architected the new economy along with countless other little trinkets. The coat I always wear along with my coffee cup and badge lanyard are from the company where I created amazing relevance. I have a hat and jacket from my current company. I love the tchotchke.

I couldn't figure out how to spell that word. My mother kindly asked a few rabbis for me, "I know this isn't a rabbinical question, but how do you spell..." She didn't get an answer.

I think I would make a superb tchotchke model. Here I am posing with my latest score. I am not a Google employee, but I like to tell my current employer that I get one new piece of clothing for each round of interviews that I do. Looks like I am on my third round.

All Work and No Play (05/16/2005)

The practice mirror is to be used for the correction of faults, not for a love affair, and the figure you watch should not become your dearest friend. - Agnes De Mille

I am a whiteboard fanatic. I love the things. I write on them all the time. I have trouble thinking without a whiteboard. At home, I haven't put up my whiteboard since I moved, so I have been stuck just whiteboarding on my bathroom mirror. A few of my friends have found this quite cute and written on the mirror themselves.

My personal favorite is a pair that says "Jordan is way cuter than he was in high school" written by one of the nice girls I dated when I was sixteen followed by "this is true" written by the nice girl I am dating right now.

Head over Heels (05/15/2005)

I went running away to Santa Cruz with my girl. I've considered her just about the most adorable person in the world for a while now and I get this amazing little spark of joy when I get to write "my girl" in reference of her.

We went running off to Santa Cruz this weekend and played on the beach. A few hours wandering around in the sunlight barefoot and holding hands is such a great Saturday. Work has been insane lately, but I can forget about it all with her. We played air hockey and I beat her. "You're not taking it easy on me are you?" I wasn't! I was playing as hard as I could with my left hand. I don't think she noticed.

I took her on the Crazy Surf at the Boardwalk. Now, just because the ride happens to be in the kiddy section of the park, don't let it fool you. The Crazy Surf is the best ride at the Boardwalk. You have to get past the fact everyone else on the ride is about twelve, but it is great.

Then we went on the Dipper, because you can't go to the Boardwalk without going on the Dipper. Many years ago I went on the Giant Dipper twice with my uncle once riding in the very first seat and once riding in the very last. The difference between the two was amazing. The last seat is the best seat by many times. We took the very last seat on the coaster. She screamed.

Software Updates (05/13/2005)

Made a couple software updates.

jAlbum had some Tiger issues. I've updated to make it Tiger compatible.

Jagg got a feature request. I was as shocked as anyone. It was easy, so implemented it. Crazy.

Stories from My Uncle (05/12/2005)

What you might see as depravity is, to me, just another aspect of the human condition. - Asia Argento

My uncle remembers as a child how I would always know the rules and always choose to break them. He recalled as a baby that I was no allowed to climb the stairs. The worry was I would climb up and come tumbling down. He remembers that I would crawl up to the stairs and as I climed say allowed, "No! Bad Jordan. No!" I would climb none the less. What a great example of the human condition.

Ganbatte (05/10/2005)

As the family goes, so goes the nation and so goes the whole world in which we live. - Pope John Paul II

Mother's day weekend can mean only one thing: it is time for the first water skiing of the year. Another winter is put behind me and I'm thankful to see it go. Winters are hard.

I took the trek out on Folsom Lake with my aunts, uncles and cousins. There were no direct relatives this time around. The lake was as full as I have seen it in many years, and that is a good sign. It should be a long full summer of water sports. I hope to drag my friends and family out for many weekends of bliss. Someday I will have a boat of my own. First I still need a place to store the boat and a car capable of towing the boat.

The first ski of the year is always cold, but that just gives extra frission to the event. This time of year the water is Tahoe snow runoff. It was so cold this year I chickened out and put on a wet suit. I must be getting soft in my old age. Two quick runs on the slalom ski and then I spent the rest of the day napping. That is a good mother's day weekend.

Saturday night was dinner with my father's half and Sunday afternoon was lunch with my mother's half. That is a good weekend.

I'm consider myself lucky to have a big wonderful family on both sides. A few bits and pieces of the family have moved away from the hometown, and I can't imagine how they do it. When I was traveling constantly for work it ate away me whenever I missed the various family events. They are my rock and I am exceptionally glad to have them.

My aunt returned my first bible to me. I have no memory of it, but it came from one of my very first babysitters. It was given away in my youth for reasons no one can remember these days. Little known fact, the bible is one of the books that tends to sit on my nightstand.

Stalking Gumdrops (05/06/2005)

No amount of stalking will lead to game in a field that has none. - I Ching

I love stalking. I have this Ambient orb that changes color for the weather, or stock market or traffic. If you're a geek, and I'm a geek, you can program your Ambient orb to track other things. With a brilliant combination of GAIM, Perl and wget, I now have my Ambient orb helping me to stalk my girl. When she goes online instant messenger, it turns green. When she switched to idle it turns yellow. When she goes offline it turns red. The orb is mounted on the top of my cube and all the coworkers around me happily announce, "She's gone idle!" "Looks like she's online." Ohh honey, I am sorry I am such a stalker.

Bad Relationship Habits (05/02/2005)

A single bad habit will mar an otherwise faultless character, as an ink-drop soileth the pure white page. - Hosea Ballou

I take pleasure in being mysterious in life. I like doing the unexpected, or even better, I like implying I've done something against my nature. That way, I don't actually have to do it, I don't have to lie about it, and I am mysterious.

Example? I used to imply all the time that I did drugs. How? When asked, I simply used an avoidance style answer and people naturally assumed. "I have no recollection of ever doing drugs." Why would I possibly be avoiding it if I didn't have something to hide. People fill in the gaps themselves. My friends on the straight and narrow assume I am just being funny. The stoners assume I am one of them. In truth, as most of my friends now know, the shackles of catholic guilt kept me clean my whole life. Even the D.O.D. will attest to that.

Alternately, I take things which have no need to be a secret and keep them secret. Similar idea of being mysterious and letting my friends fill in the blanks themselves. I am crazy.

Example? I can't tell you! It's a secret. How about the fact that I like to spend Sunday mornings watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer and eating ice cream? Hmm, how about the wonderful young lady I am trying to spend all my time with these days? That's a pretty good inflated secret. Shhh!

Movies (05/31/2005)

For pooping silly. - The Mole (Southpark)

Stolen, yet again, from Veronica. Maybe I should tell her I am an avid reader of her site.

What was the last movie you went to see? Kicking and Screaming. I go to second-run movies every Sunday and what is ever there. It was not Will Farrel's greatest work.

What is your all-time favorite movie. Why? Did you see it at the theater or on video/DVD? I turned over this one a bunch in my head without any success. I can't think that there is one above all the rest. If I were trapped on a desert island? I guess I will have to go with Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail. God, I am a geek.

What movie stands our in your mind as the one which made you cry the most? I cry at almost every movie I see. It takes very little. Probably the first time I saw The Crow it really tore me up. More recently, E.T. still gets me every time I watch it.

What is the funniest movie you've seen? What was your favorite part or line from that movie? Southpark: Bigger, Longer and Uncut must have made me laugh when I first saw it more than any other movie. It was the combination of the superb brilliance of broadway musical and Disney film. I was so in awe that the humor was second-to-none. Favorite line? "What's a butfore?"

Is there a movie which changed your opinion on something? What movie was it? Nope. I thought Supersize Me was unfair to McDonalds. I thought Farenheight 9/11 was unfair to Bush. I thought Smartest Guys in the Room was unfair to Enron. I think Phantom Menance changed my opinion that George Lucas was talented at writing.

What is the worst movie you've ever paid to see at the theater? The Avengers and Godford Park. Movies like Wing Commander, Mulholland Drive and Armageddon were horrible, but they at least have the redeeming quality of being able to make fun of them.

Popcorn? Jujufruits? Licorice? Junior Mints? Nachos? Raisinettes? Popcorn if it didn't kill me. Junior Mints and Red Vines.

Have you ever made out with someone while watching a movie at the theater? What movie was it the last time? Are you still with this person? The last time I made out in a movie was Just Cause in high school. That is HORRIBLE movie to make out during. And I dumped her ass, but she eventually forgave me for it.

Have you ever screamed while watching a movie or shouted at the screen? What did you say? I yelped during Jurassic Park. That's the only memory I have. My mother told me I freaked out during Fantasia.

Name your favorite movie soundtrack. Can you remember the part of the movie where your favorite song is played? Lord of the Rings followed in a very close second by Star Wars. I am a geek.

Jordanchino (05/30/2005)

She brings me Starbucks. I drink the Starbucks. It's an incredibly sugary and milky drink with a coffee-sounding name. Then I brew up a double espresso made from Peet's house blend. Add in two packets of Sugar in the Raw. Refill the container with organic milk. Viola! The final touch is to label the bottles. I like to do it in pairs like "Liquid Life" and "Liquid Death." Or the equally cool, "Hot Fun" and "Cold Fun."

I Am Going to Hell (05/27/2005)

A Cutter cannot mix Zoe footage from different lives for a Rememory. - The Cutter's Code (The Final Cut)

I got my hair cut. I prefer clipper it myself. Most of my friends tell me they are not a big fan of the "cancer boy" look of really short hair. It saves me little bit of money and a whole lot of social anxiety to do it myself. I hate getting it cut. I cannot stand the process of telling a hair artist how to make my hair look good; I have no clue, really. Aren't they the expert on this? There are the Supercut commercials where the guys say they want to look, "Like I have a lot of money even though I don't" or some other randomly long sentence and then they get their haircut. I'm confident employees there would break into tears and hide in the corner if I said something like that.

Since I know my new girl is also not a fan of the cancer boy look, I braved the experience of getting my haircut. I had tiger stripes in my hair. I sat down with Karyn, my nice cutter.

"Your hair looks... well, it doesn't look pretty. It looks pretty ugly."

Honestly now, is this what you are suppose to say to a customer?

"What? You don't like my tiger stripes? They're awesome! I might do them again tonight."

"Ohhh no, don't. They look horrible."

Then I proceed with the long battle of explaining to her that I don't care what she does with my hair. Just do something that requires no upkeep. "I don't use gel or spray or anything, so just short and simple is all I want. The rest is up to you." She counters by trying to be helpful and offering different things she could do, and at each one I simply respond with "Sure, whatever. Go for it."

Next we enter the part of the process where she pretends to be interested in my life to earn a larger tip. In a strange lapse of common sense, I made up a new life for myself. I guess my deceit and deception training just took over.

You see, my name is Daniel. I'm 25. I'll be getting my Ph.D. from Stanford this spring in bio-chemistry. I'm married to a woman named April. We got married right out of college. I have two daughters named Autumn and Summer. Willow is 2 years old and Autumn is only 24 weeks old. I've got a job lined up at Genentech in South San Francisco. So I'm looking for a new place to live somewhere around there. I'd like to live in the city, but it's too expensive for a family of four, especially with all the college loans I've got the pay off.

I am going to hell...

Dance Dance Revolution (05/23/2005)

Dance is the hidden language of the soul. - Martha Graham

On a completely random topic, it's 11:50pm and the two other people in my apartment are watching the Daily Show and arguing over the physics involved in fluid dynamic pressures. This all started when I made the statement that a garden hose has about three to five psi of pressure. One person said that if you covered up half the opening the pressure in the tube would increase. I disagreed. Out came the pencil and paper.

This all came after a lot drinking and other things. We finally got around to using my fondue pot! I'm very happy about that. I've had it for two or three years without using it. I had it all prepped for a romantic date on Saturday, alas, my date was hours later than I had originally expected and it didn't occur. So, before everything went bad I ended up cooking it on Monday with my roommate, and my hot date. The third person makes it a tad less romantic in the grand scheme of things.

On a final note, I have been playing a whole lot of Dance Dance Revolution. I had been too embarrassed to play it at the arcade, but plugged into my Playstation, I have a ton of courage. Well, honestly, I close the blinds a lot. Still, I got a second DDR matt, and now we have a lot of head-to-head DDR competitions. I love it.

Twenty Questions (05/22/2005)

Men must endure their going hence, even as their coming hither; ripeness is all - Edgar (King Lear, Shakespeare)

I stole this from Veronica, who has no clue who I am.

1. If you could build a second house anywhere, where would it be? It would be a on calm lake with a dock in my backyard so that in fifteen minutes I could be on the water. Of course, I still don't have a first house.

2. What's your favorite article of clothing? My gloves. They are actually glove liners for snow skiing, but I keep them in my jacket all winter and put them on whenever I go outside. They let me keep my hands warm without having to put my hands in my pockets and I think that is keen. Plus, I can drink coffee without getting a cup insulator and that helps to save the planet.

3. The last CD you bought? The original cast recording of Sweeny Todd, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street. I generally don't buy the popular music because it is always changing. Good musicals are timeless.

4. What time do you wake up in the morning? 6am when the sun hits my face. Then I roll onto the other side of the bed until the proper time to wake up. That's 8am on weekdays and usually around 9:30am on the weekend. This morning was especially painful because the sun hadn't risen high enough to wake me, but at 5:15am the birds started chirping incredibly loudly! I had to shut the windows and turn on the fan to cover them up.

5. What's your favorite kitchen appliance? The all-in-one coffee pot/espresso machine from Krups. It is priceless.

6. If you could play an instrument, what would it be? Piano. They are ubiquitous and the ability to just sit down when you notice one and start playing is quite cool and the ladies love it. After that is guitar, but one rarely finds those just sitting around in malls, schools, people houses, etc. All the instruments I have played over the years are just no fun outside of band. I wanted to play trumpet as a kid, but mom said I couldn't. I think she expected it to be too loud. Maybe it is for the best; it could have done very bad things for my ego to play trumpet in pep band. How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? Just one; he holds up the bulb and the world revolves around him to screw it in. How many saxophone players does it to change a light bulb? No one knows, but there are always more than enough around and they'll tell you they would do a better job with few more. Sorry, these are the jokes you learn at band camp in between the hanky-panky.

7. Favorite Color? It was always blue growing up, but in college I decided that it was probably just because my parents told me that was my favorite color. I went on a long investigation of colors with an art student (thanks Canada (that was her name, I'm not thanking the country)) and reached the conclusion that soft pastel blue and green are my favorites.

8. Which do you prefer, sports car or SUV? I guess I would rather drive a sports car than an SUV, but both are pretty offensive if you're not racing or towing around a boat. My brother pointed out that I had one of each growing up and this worked well since I dragged raced and towed boats.

9. Do you believe in the afterlife? Agnostic. I can't muster up enough proof, or faith, or whatever to get myself to believe. Still, I think there is a higher chance of it than there is that unicorns once roamed the earth. This little tidbit of revelation was actually put to me quite recently when talking religion with a friend (something I adore doing, but don't seem to get a chance to do very often). I was commenting on my own agnostics and how it made more sense over atheism because it is really quite impossible to prove that there is no God. She pointed out that I don't believe unicorns walked the earth a few thousands years ago, but obviously it is really quite impossible to prove that they didn't. It was a long discussion, but it at least pointed out to me that I clearly have some level of proof, or faith, or whatever. I just hope that my closing words are closer to "happily ever after" as opposed to "the night descends."

10. Favorite Children's Book? Where the Wild Things Are. I saw Bill Moyers interview Maurice Sendak over the past summer and Maurice gave me chills with how much he had thought through his own history and existence. I have such vivid memories of his books, and after hearing him talk about his understanding of the world, it adds a extra wonderful layer. "He has a mind darkened by both fatalism and faith" - Tony Kushner.

11. What is your favorite season? Spring. When everything is green, flowers are sprouting and baby animals are about.

12. If you could have one super power, what would it be? Omnipotence.

13. If you have a tattoo, what is it? I don't. Something about the government not wanting me to have permanent identifiable markings. If I were going to have one, I would put a peace symbol somewhere small and discrete. I know a Tai-Chi symbol is probably more up my alley, but that just seems too Wicca or Kabbalah or whatever.

14. Can you juggle? Yes. Quite well. I learned during college while taking a course in cryptography. Now I can do most variations of three-balls, I can do the two main variations of passing, and I am just about able to handle juggling four balls.

15. The one person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to? I don't have it in me to go into this one anymore. If you've known me for a long time, you know who.

16. What's your favorite day? When I was in school, it was Friday. You get the social fun of school, but no homework due the next day to mess up your night. Now that I am in the work force, it's Saturday.

17. What's in the trunk of your car? A bicycle at this exact moment, but that is a rare occasion. It is usually empty. In high school I used to keep a change of clothes in it because of the high chance I would not be spending the night at home. My old schmoo-mobile had a tire pump because I always had a tire that was near death and slowly deflating on me.

18. Which do you prefer, sushi or hamburger? The only sushi I like is the wimpy california roll, so I will go with hamburger. A plain hamburger is wonderful, succulent and slowly crumbling activating all the umami senses.

19. What's your favorite flower? Tulips.

20. What is your favorite food? Hamburger or pizza. I must be american.

Busforce One (05/21/2005)

The class of 2000 reunion was at my University this weekend. Two of my good friends who worked there (one in the Alumni office and one in IT) had this great idea to bring Busforce One to the picnic. So early this morning we went and fueled up that bad boy to park it outside. Fueling up a school bus and generator is not a cheap thing these days.

Busforce One is a reconstructed school bus turned into a mobile computing lab that is taken around to elementary schools. If you run a 300' long ethernet cable to it from a wiring closet in the nearby gym, it becomes a mobile internet cafe good for checking email, signing up for the alumni circle and surfing naughty websites.

It's a little scary sitting on flimsy computer chair with wheels in the back of a bus without a seat-belt as it goes flying down the road; scary-awesome! I also got to fulfill a long time dream of climbing out the emergency hatch on the top and throwing the goat! WAHOO!

I lived in a freshman residence hall my sophomore year and served around three-hundred students, so you would think I would run into quite a few people that I knew. At least, I would think that. The truth is, while SCU has a 92% graduation rate, I tended to spend my time with the other 8% for some reason. Maybe it was my calling in housing to hang out with those who needed it the most? Who can say.

As the day was ending I saw three of my kids walk by and stuck my head out the window.

Jo: "Jacqui! Berly! Whitney!"

They pause and I can tell there's no recognition.

Jo: "I lived on Swig 2 with you your freshman year."

Wh: "Oh my God! It's Jordan! He used to have really long hair and he was always fixing our computers because we were so dumb."

Giggling. Ahh, those were my girls.

Be: "Crap! Jordan! You have such a great memory that you recognized us."

Jo: "My three hottest residents walk by and you think I wouldn't recognize you?"

Ja: "Are you still with Bonnie?"

Jo: "No... no, that ended at the end of Sophmore year."

Ja: "That's good. I always thought she was a little too hollow for you."

More giggling.