Story Archive - July 2004

As a Verb 'to Doctor' Means 'to Fake' (07/28/2004)

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin

Don't we all just hate the doctor? Well, I know I hate doctors. I guess it's not the person who is the doctor that's my problem, but the profession. Well, not really the profession either. I mean, it is their profession to make us physically and mentally happy. So I dislike their message. Though, really, I suppose the message they're giving isn't, "You are not physically or mentally healthy" but, "If you do XYZ, you will be more physically or mentally healthy." I hate that. You irrepressible mountebanks!

You know why I dislike going? It is because 90% of the time I go in the real message is, "Well, things seem okay, but I would like to do the following unpleasant and invasive procedure as a safety precaution which will probably tell us that we didn't actually need to do it." Gee... thanks. You take my blood, like, every two weeks, isn't that sufficient? No? You want to stick that thing where? You want to biopsy what now? Go away! Fine, I'm going to go home and cry now, thank you very much.

Hmm? Anti-psychotics? Well, I suppose those couldn't hurt, right Harvey? He's a rabbit. Seriously. No, he's standing right there... next to Bob. What is wrong with you anyway?

The Body Politic (07/26/2004)

We have every right to dream heroic dreams. - Ronald Reagon

My least favorite subjects in high school were history and civics. I really hated them. They were so mundane and for the most part an exercise in sciolism. I'm not sure precisely when that dislike changed into fascination. It changed.

I think the '96 election man have been the elan vital of my political intrigue. I loved Bob Dole before the election. I loved the man after the election. During the three months when his campaign was really burning at its highest, I despised him.

I eat up political news these days. I drool to know what Kerry and Edwards are going to say each day in the convention. I listen for the sound bites. I still don't know whom I want to vote for. Being in California, my vote doesn't actually matter. So I get the luxury of voting by principal.

Now, for the first time in my short political interest, an issue has arisen that has polarized me enough it would have affected my entire vote. Our little escapade into Iraq was beyond any level of acceptance in my mind. I'm a dove. I'll admit it. I don't think we should be marching into other countries unless we can prove that the other nation is in the very final stages of enacting a successful attack on our homeland. I'm fully of the opinion that the US's policy of, "you attack us with an WMD and we will make you nation's land a radioactive wasteland for generations" is a sufficiently effective deterrent. We don't need to be going around preemptively overthrowing the elected government of sovereign nations.

Of course, this election gives me a pair of democrats who voted in favor of the Iraq War Resolution or a pair of Republicans who acted on it. Not exactly the choice I was looking for in the one issue that really motivates me.

Kudos to Shaper Image (07/25/2004)

A satisfied customer is the best business strategy of all. - Michael LeBoeuf

Dear Shaper Image,

I simply wanted to express my thanks at the wonderful customer care that I received at the Sharper Image store in the Stanford Shopping Center in Palo Alto. I purchased the X-2 Electric Scooter from this store in November of 2003. At the time of the purchase, I expressed concern to the salesman that my previous electric scooter from another store had broken on me and I had been unable to fix or replace it. The salesman talked me into getting the Sharper Image replacement guarantee explaining that if my scooter broke during the manufacturer warrantee I could simply walk in exchange it without the hassle of personally shipping it back to the manufacturer..

Over the next few months, the battery broke off my scooter and the breaking mechanism stopped functioning. I was concerned about going back into the store because I expected to have struggle with a difficult exchange process. When I finally worked up the courage to go, the replacement process was hassle free. I said that the scooter had broken and was handed a brand new one without any fuss. I applaud the ease I was able to carry out the exchange. I look forward to many future purchases!

Sincerely,

Jordan

Anime Expo 2004 (07/24/2004)

Anime Expo 2004 was way back at the beginning of this month. I was only there a couple of days and I didn't bring my camera. Now, weeks later, I have stolen the pictures form someone else and trimmed out all the ones that would keep any of us from running for future political office.

I'm an Ass (07/22/2004)

To be loose with grammar is to be loose with the worst woman in the world. - Otis C. Edwards

The Zocalo—peddlers of demitasse—closes at 6pm for summer hours. I never make it home that early, and it frustrates me. I must make my own coffee or swallow my pride and head into that place which alludes to Moby Dick.

I love to surprise people. On multiple occasions at the office, I've challenged the grammar of one of the content writers and come out victorious. They are used to the technology people just implementing what they're told without reading content and challenging back. As a wanna-be writer with a college degree, I feel it is my obligation to read and critique obvious errors. When I get a phrase that's suppose to be in title case like "Product-Specific Support" or "Voice Over Frame Relay" I get a distinct pleasure from saying, "Actually, in a hyphenated noun, only the first letter is going to be capitalized unless it's a proper noun" or "a preposition should be lower case." *smack* Okay, so I'm an arrogant ass, but it wasn't the fact that I was correcting the writers that was the shock to them, it was the fact that when they disagreed I didn't look it up on the wired, I pulled out my copy of Handbook for Writers by Simon & Schuster I keep sitting under my desk.

I love grammar. Besides, as a "computer scientist" half my degree is the construction and interpretation of language and grammar.

Here's a bit of grammar knowledge that I'm particular proud of. Do you know the different between an "en dash" and an "em dash"? First off, neither is the arithmetic minus that exists on the keyboard itself. An "en dash" is a dash that is the length of a capital N in a font and is used to for closed ranges, such as 100–200. While an em dash—obviously a dash that is the length of capital M in a font—is used for parenthetical statements. Neato!

(Note: I know that I make grammatical errors by the handful on my personal site. It's okay, because I don't have a large corporation paying me huge amounts of money to be grammatically correct. The moment I do, I promise no more grammatical errors.)

Tiny Magic (07/21/2004)

There is a real magic in enthusiasm. It spells the difference between mediocrity and accomplishment. - Norman Vincent Peale

Do a few little acts of love every day. Open the door for someone else. Let a person in front of you in traffic. My neighbors often leave their trash out in front of the door at night. This reminds them to take it out the next morning and keeps the trash stench from overwhelming the apartment. Whenever I'm heading out at night or early in the morning and I notice this, I take the trash out for them. This saves them probably ten to twenty seconds each time. I hope they use it wisely.

Rotten Easter Egg (07/19/2004)

We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad. - C.S. Lewis

They call them "Easter Eggs." They are generally little bits of functionality or some other special prize hidden inside an application, on a photo or on a website. Sometimes you get rotten Easter eggs. The kind planted maliciously and slipped in when no one is looking.

Today a rotten Easter egg was discovered on one of the sites I manage at work. "To find out more information about this [widget], call us at [1-800-XXX-XXXX]." And what do you hear when you call the number? "If you like hot girl on girl..." Well, you get the idea. It would be hysterical if it happened to someone else, so I hope you're laughing.

Car Wash (07/18/2004)

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. - Doug Larson

I recall vividly my father once telling me that when interviewing people he liked to ask if they washed their own car. He said it was a sign of a lot of good qualities when someone took the time to maintain their own vehicle. It is precise the sort of agitprop you might expect from a businessman. I remember many days in my youth and high school years washing my father's call while he did such helpful auxiliary activities as getting lunch at a local fast food restaurant, pointing out places were the car was still dirty, getting out and putting away the hose. All useful, but in my grass-is-greener mentality, I always saw it as the less labor intesive tasks of the activity.

My poor Schmoo, after being relegated out of his old parking spot, was belched on by the sap of an evil tree. Since he is soon to go to a nice new home, I wanted to get him a little more presentable. Yet, to this day, I have never taken my vehicle to a "car washing" facility beyond the free car wash that sometimes comes with a tank of gas. I jumped in to take him to the self-clean car wash station near by but discovered the layer of sap was so thick I couldn't see out the front window. Pressing the windshield-washing button solved nothing. The water squirted and the wiper scraped painfully across the hardened sap. So I pulled an Ace Ventura out of the window and made it down the wash. Alas, it appears I am not the only person in the city to think that a beautiful Sunday afternoon is best wasted washing the car. The line was painful long. So I went home and bucket-washed him. Remember, that a clean car is a happy car. Someday, I will be enough of a yuppie I can pay someone else to wash my cars.

Hot Dates (07/16/2004)

All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble. - Raymond Hull

"What's the plan for tonight?" I ask.

"I was thinking we should cook dinner, play Super Mario Brothers, eat ice cream, and be asleep by 10pm" she responds.

"Wow. I think that's close to my perfect evening."

"Well, tomorrow I need to download some MP3s and work on a video in iMovie. Oh hey! You have the 'War Games' DVD. That's one of my favorite movies. Let's watch that too!"

"... will you marry me?"

"What was that?" she asks.

"Ohh, nothing important." *blush*

Dumb Blond (07/12/2004)

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton

"How's that midlife crisis going, " she says jovially.

"I'm blond now" I respond. "So I would say it's still in motion."

Cue the sound of silence.

Lakes (07/11/2004)

We have every right to dream heroic dreams. - Ronald Reagon

The annual paternal family trip to Clearlake has a different flavor each year. I have mythical memory of the "good old days" where all the cousins that are my age headed up for the week. There were no cars. There were no cell phones. I said to friends (and girlfriends), "Sorry, there's just no way to reach me. It's just the lake, food and us."

It's a very different picture now as I look at the TV, XBOX, GameCube and PS2 that my "little brother" and his friend brought up. There's a giant lake sitting in front of us crying out to be used. They are inside playing games.

I hear the chatter of my "little sister" on her cell phone. She's calling friends to convince them to come up. She's chatting away with her boyfriend who couldn't make it this year.

I can't claim to be pure on this one. I've changed with the times as well. I'm typing away on my laptop. Still, I'm sitting outside on the deck overlooking the lake as I do it. Well, I have a long sleeve shirt on. Plus my hat. I've also got a towel over my lakes. This is needed to keep me from bursting into flames. That doesn't make me too much of a hypocrite does it?

"I think the age divide is basically gone," says one of the "adults." I'm not one of the adults. They have a few decades on top of me.

"Yeah, Jordan's like one of us, "says one of the kids who are all still in college or high school. I'm not one of the kids either.

I'm not going to go to bed at eleven with the "grown ups," but I'm not going to stay up until 5am with kids either. Somewhere in the weird middle stage is where I am. I've been in that stage alone for the last few years.

The "good old days" are gone. They aren't coming back. They probably never really existed to begin with. Just another collage of memories I've assembled into a new pattern that seems to sit well with me.

Spinning Tires (07/09/2004)

I'm where I want to be and who I want to be and doing what I always said I would and yet I feel I haven't won at all. - Where I Want to Be (Chess)

At the beginning of this year I took some good advice from an old friend. Once upon a time, she said something like, "If you're ever feeling sad, just make a list of what it will take to make you happy and do it." So I made the list towards the beginning of this year, and I'm executing against it. Really, truly, it's going fairly well. I have done some of the simpler things on the list. Recently, I even waged open war on the karmic forces of the universe to execute on one of the items on the list. It appears that I lost that battle, but there's a decent amount of good news that may come out of it.

Remember when I said I was going to move to San Francisco? It's not very likely anymore. Still, I'll probably end up some where else. The actual location of the move was less important than the other logistics around it.

Still, the first one on the list sits without any progress. All the rest of the items, as lovely as they are, are just distractions from the first. So it feels like I've been working very hard on my life and moving very far, and yet, the movement is sideways instead of forward.

When the crazy wheel slows down where will I be? Back where I started. Anyway, the men were looking especially GQ this past weekend.

Pri Pri (07/07/2004)

I guess can even forgive you for the Sierra Club sticker. - Drake

As I ride him I like to think of him as my Rocinante and I, the famous Knight of the Rueful Continence. Still, the wait is finally over and the secret is finally out. Inside my parking spot sits a new mount for me ride triumphantly into environmentally responsible battle! Shining like a silver sun my new car strikes long term fiscally sound fear into the hearts of my foes! Perhaps she is just Dapple. My little Dapple flies the crest of the Sierra Club proudly in her read window.

I am now the proud new owner of a Toyota Prius. In her first five hundred miles she has averaged a solid 50 miles per gallon, and that isn't bad. Yes, a man's car is usually the second most expensive thing he ever buys, and though it hurt sensibilities to see so much money go towards just one single item, it is well spent. That's what I tell myself. Yep. I've earned it. That's what others tell me.