Story Archive - December 2004

Earphones (12/22/2004)

More than for you, it's important for me not to break the law. My company recently gave everyone an iPod mini as sort of a holiday thank you. I decided that I would start downloading audiobooks from my long trips to work since I can no longer watch movies as I did on the train. First on the list was My Life by Bill Clinton followed by America: The Book: The Audiobook by John Stewart. Finally, to avoid partial disinheritance, The Way Things Ought to Be by Rush Limbaugh.

It occurred to me that it is illegal to operate a motor vehicle, and even ride a bicycle, while wearing headphones. Of course, it's obviously quite legal to have a hands-free device on your mobile phone. I figured it must be illegal to wear stereo earphones and that if I just wore one earbud, I'd be enjoying audiobooks in legal bliss.

I put the Chaos Corporation's crack research team on the issue, and they told me I was wrong. I had them all fired.

A. No person shall operate a motor vehicle while wearing earphones.

B. For purposes of this section, "earphones" includes any headset, radio, tape player, or other similar device which provides the listener with radio programs, music or other recorded information through a device attached to the head and which covers all of or a portion of the ears. "Earphones" does not include speakers or other listening devices which are built into protective headgear.

Just one more instance of The Man keeping me down. Now I must debate how important it is to me not to violate chapter ten, section four, item 1280 of the traffic code. Alternately, it may be valid for me to get a helmet with a speaker system and wear that while I drive.

Really, I Don't Drink (12/20/2004)

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony. - Robert Benchley

On Friday at an all-company meeting one of the people in sales at my new job described me as "[expletive] awesome." On Friday night I went to the company's holiday party at a bar in downtown San Francisco. I drove myself to the BART station and then took BART into the city.

My first two drinks that evening were ordered by stating, "give me something non-alcoholic that looks like it has alcohol in it." You see, this is my clever trick to keep people from telling you all evening long that you need to be drinking. The bartender did a superb job stating the first "appeared vodka-based" while the second "appeared rum-based." Really, I don't drink.

At some point in the evening my little group decided everyone was going to do a shot of Fernet. I first learned of Fernet in San Francisco this year and have never found it outside the city. The good and bad thing with Fernet is that it has an antiseptic quality that numbs the mouth and throat.

So a few moments later when the CEO swung by and our group asked him to take a shot of Tequila Familia with us I figured I could handle one more drink that evening. A few moments later when someone suggested a toast to the new employee who was "[expletive] awesome," how could I refuse? Another Tequila Familia shot went down.

When the boy who doesn't drink manages to down three shots in the course of ten minutes (including starting with Fernet so that there was no burn for the subsequent ones) things go downhill fast. Things went at least four more shots downhill. The drinks were clear, but I have no clue what was in them. This is when things got fuzzy.

There are some things I do remember. I remember talking with the Christmas Tree for a while. I remember refusing a ride home by a colleague who had also been drinking and being very proud of myself for this. I remember getting on BART to get home. I remember that the Late Show was half over when I got home. I remember that the Tonight Show was on when I woke up to go to bed; I guess it's replayed after Last Call.

The next morning when I woke up at around noon, I went outside and noticed that my car wasn't there. This, of course, was a very good thing. I made my way back to the BART station and got my car.

Really, I don't drink much.

Just Some Things (12/19/2004)

1. Without glasses the Federal government classifies me as blind in my right eye.
2. The DMV doesn't require me to wear glasses when I drive.
3. I often wear gloves when it drops to seventy-two degrees F.
4. I can type fifty WPM with gloves on.
5. I can type over one-hundred WPM normally.
6. I have been knocked out twice; both times were for surgery.
7. To the best of my knowledge, I have never owned a pair of jeans.
8. I have had six girlfriends so far.
9. To the best of my knowledge, I have no children.
10. I have lived in the same apartment for five years and been planning to move for four of them.
11. My hair has been green, blue, blond and striped.
12. I have been to 12 countries.
13. I have been to 21 states.
14. I have shot many guns, but only one person.
15. I have been 5'9" since I was 18.
16. I have weighed between 98 and 140 pounds since I was 18.
17. I have had 1 dog, 2 fish, 1 mouse and 3 plants die on me.
18. I can play 1943 for over an hour on one quarter.
19. I have beat Area 51 on one quarter.
20. It takes me about an hour to fall asleep at night.
21. My first stuffed animal was a dragon named Sneezy.
22. I have been in one television commercial and one newspaper ad.
23. I have shaken hands with and exchanged words with Vice President Dan Ouayle.
24. I have had four unique e-mail conversations with Wil Wheaton.
25. I own three rings with skulls, two chain belts, one dagger necklace and one bottle of black nail polish.
26. I will respond to Jordan, Jordy, Schmoo, Veintitres, Reverend, J-Jiggy and Chaos.
27. I take fourteen pills per day.
28. I visit the library once a week.
29. I am over one-hundred pages into a horrible attempt at a novel.
30. I bite my nails.
31. I clench my jaw.
32. I am a devote agnostic.
33. I have done a personal audio recording of the first book in Lord of the Rings.
34. I have more cavities than teeth.
35. My sweat is acidic and has eaten through parts of my laptop.
36. I use a cane on most Saturday mornings.
37. I have been kicked out of three stores in one mall in one day.
38. My favorite ice cream flavor is Vanilla Bean.
39. The first CD I bought was by the Scorpions.
40. My favorite CD is by the Murmurs.
41. I punched a kid in second grade.
42. He deserved it.
43. I enjoy watching my blood be taken.
44. Sappy TV commercials make my cry around once a week.
45. I do not have cable.
46. My hands are always cold.
47. I love when people hold my hands.
48. I got a 35 on my ACTs.
49. I have almost two-hundred dollars in rolled coins on my dresser.
50. I should be asleep right now.

The Windy City (12/14/2004)

Loving Chicago is like loving a woman with a broken nose. - Nelson Algren

I don't necessarily dislike sitting at the airport. I do happen to dislike the fact that I have no access to the internets without forking over $6.95. That's sure a lot of money for thirty minutes worth of access. Sure, it gives me a day pass, but how many people really need access in an airport for more than an hour or so? I'm still waiting for the day when that kind of access will either be free, or priced at about $1. This place probably would have made a good fifty or so dollars off me over the past year. I grant that it's not a lot, but it's slightly larger than roughly zero dollars I have currently given them to date.

My favorite flight attendant, Jenna, wasn't around. She did (does?) the 6am Monday flight from Oakland to Denver. I knew her well from too many flights to Denver or through Denver on my way to such beautiful destinations as Memphis! I'd sit down on the plane barely conscious and she would walk up with a "Good morning Mr. Jordan" and a cup of strong coffee.

Travel will never be easy until the transporters are finished, but technology has made things better for the weary runway warrior. My cab ride to and from the airport is ordered ahead of time over the internets. I get a text message one hour before the cab is supposed to show up confirming it will be there. I get a text message three hours before my flight leaves confirming it's on time and giving me the gate number. My loved ones (and the US government) are automatcally kept informed of all my travels. At the airport, I have no clue what flight I'm on, but I merely put my Premier Executive card into the machine and it lets me upgrade to first class and prints a ticket with gate number.

It's all so simple. If I were a mobile-phone-ass I could be chatting away with one of my many girlfriends right now (by many I of course mean roughly zero give-or-take zero).

I guess it's not a problem. I hear Chicago is lovely this time of year. There are strong gale-force winds whipping sub-zero temperatures up from the lakes across the fair city built on swamplands.

When I get home I am going to sacrifice a new-hire to the god of business travel. Clearly I'm still on his bad side.

Révolution Française (12/13/2004)

I see the evil of this time and of the previous time of which this is the natural birth, gradually making expiation for itself and wearing out. - Sydney Carton (Tale of Two Cities)

I just finished re-reading Tale of Two Cities yesterday. The finale is set during the French Revolution where people are being sent in mass to the guillotine. The new regime is trying to hunt down and kill all the aristocrats. It's not about brining them to justice; it's about murder and vengeance. Crowds gather at the courthouse and cheer loudly as the jury sentences people to death. It's one of the more disturbing portrayals of the bloodthirstiness of man.

When I first read the book in junior high our class did a two week long mock French revolution game. I was lucky enough to be in newly created bourgeoisie class citizens of France. I did okay for myself during the monarchy. I made quite a lot of money. When the revolution occurred, I had to give up most of my wealth for the good of the republic. It was dangerous to be wealthy and draw attention to yourself. It was far safer to call out the aristocrats to be killed and as such I took great delectation in it. Defend one, even if they were your friend, and you would be quick to the guillotine yourself.

On a completely unrelated set of points, do you remember during the presidential debates when Johnny Flipflop and Curious George were constantly talking about how they would hunt down and kill terrorists? How about this quote from today's newspaper: "when the jury in his murder trial recommended Monday that he die by lethal injection... cheers went up from a crowd of several hundred outside the courthouse Monday." The accompanying photo shows a pair of people giving each other high-fives.

Maybe it's just me, but I find this sort of thing very depressing.

Closing the Year (12/11/2004)

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. - Anatole France

It's official! Unless some completely amazing and unexpected event occurs, I am moving mid-January! I'll miss the library and the Zocola. Though I hope Palo Alto will have a good library, and maybe I can get Tim to open up another location in Palo Alto.

While moving was not one of my 2004 new year's resolutions, it is quite in sync with my midlife crisis resolution attempt. I made four new year's resolutions last year. Two of them are complete. One of them is constrained by forces outside my control and not completeable this year. There's one left. There's one left that I could complete this year. In fact, the time is ripe for me to do it. Three weeks left!

Reduction in business travel was also an implied news resolution from last year. When I joined a company in April, I went to Kansas City on week number two. When I joined this past company, I'm heading to Chicago on week number three. Yep, that's how I get tormented.

Pots and Pans (12/09/2004)

Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all. - Harriet Van Horne

Chop up onions. Chop up peppers. Chop up carrots. Chop up broccoli. Then I open the can of chicken broth and there are things floating about in it. Strange. I dump the can. I open the next can and there are things floating in it. I pause. It now appears to me perhaps this could be expected. I cannot convince myself this is proper. Though I have never had this particular brand of broth before, I have never seen unidentifiable puffy things floating in other brands, and this seems wrong. So dump can number two. Well, one can left. Open can number three. There are puffy floating things in it! What is going on?

Now things have changed from plan to improvise. I have no expertise to improvise in the kitchen. I have some bouillon cubes from about ten years ago. Those are still okay right? I open to look and the cubes, which were not sealed in any kind of airtight container over the past decade, are pitch black and have a funny smell. Well, at least I assume it's funny. It's been ten years since I last smelled them, so it's hard for me to remember. Anyway, I dump them into the trash as well.

For a while I'm trapped in a abulic pit, but finally I give up and decide to see if I can salvage something with just water for stock. I add eggs. I add spices. The final concoction just tasted bland and horrible. Dump.

I'm going to have cereal tonight.

Misery in the Mind (12/08/2004)

I could never say in the morning, "I have a headache and cannot do thus and so". Headache or no headache, thus and so had to be done. - Eleanor Roosevelt

Hypochondria can be a tricky thing. I get these pains in my eyes in the middle of the night. I get a slight discomfort the day leading up to it that makes me fearful to go to sleep. I saw a doctor about it once. They eye-aches start until college, so at the time I was concerned something might be wrong with my bionic eye. I figured maybe the plate had slipped. Yet, the optometrist x-rayed it and said everything looked fine. He said it was probably just sinus congestion. Lovely.

Two years ago I diagnosed myself with cluster headaches (migrainous neuralgia). I was reading a magazine article on one of my frequent plane flights about the different types of headaches when I saw, "usually occurs from 1am-4am while sleeping and is characterized by a stabbing, ice-pick-like, pain to eyes." I knew it was me!

Now I use all the cool slang that the cluster headache people use. Like this: I had shadows all day yesterday and sure enough when nighttime rolled around the demon hit me in full force. The dance didn't appease it, so I used my old technique. Ingest a little food, a little caffeine and a little acetaminophen and then take the beast out for a long walk and that often puts him in his place. At least it distracts me for a while.

Snooze (12/06/2004)

I had grown too comfortable in my solitude, the safest place I knew. - Barack Obama

I'm soaked to the bone. There are others who like going out in the pouring rain and get soaked to the bone, right? Tonight's walk in the torrential downpour gave me a good opportunity to finally clean all the mud off my boots that had been caked on from last weekend.

I've been hitting snooze for almost an hour ever morning these days. Do you know why most clocks snooze for nine minutes? Rumor has it, when snooze was first introduced, there were a bunch of standards for gear sizes in clocked. Clock makers could only fit a 9-minute gear and an 11-minute gear in the clock, so they went with nine. Why is the snooze still 9 minutes? Tradition!

I've been using that silly nine-minute snooze for two reasons. It's partially because I want the rest, but more because during those brief nine minutes in-between the clock radio making noise I fall into a blissful lucid dream where I have full recollection of everything and moderate amount of control. I've been having the same dream nearly every morning for two weeks. It's blissful, but the slight contretemps of it make it unshareable. Someday the real work might be so nice.